tonight i was quietly reflecting on a few major events in my life. the first few that came to my mind were pretty major...these memories bring up specific memories, some of which are quite personal.
i thought about sitting in the waiting room with my mom, sister, and grandmother as we waited, for what seemed like years. my dad was having emergency open heart surgery, and thankfully my grandmother and i made it just moments before they whisked him off to the operating room. we were able to exchange a few teary hellos and goodbyes, intermingled with i love yous. a memory i won't forget. so we waited. waiting rooms can be so awful. this waiting room was not very comfy, and seriously lacking in interesting decor. it was quiet...almost an uncomfortable quiet. other families and loved ones were camped around the room, waiting. we made conversation as much as possible but, the tension and worry was thick.
something that turned out to be a real blessing happened that afternoon. a man entered the waiting room and came over to our little circle. he knew my mom, as he was a friend of my parent's. he pulled up a chair and began chatting with us. out of nervousness and painful worry, i was ready for him to stop talking and leave. he then pulled out his Bible and began reading scripture to us. this was literally as if someone were pouring a healing oil over my entire being. as he read the words from isaiah 43, tears fell and soon turned into what seemed like a river. "but now, this is what the Lord says--he who created you, o jacob, he who formed you, o israel; 'fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summoned you by name; you are mine. when you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. for i am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of israel, your Savior..." shortly after he finished reading, he excused himself.
when he was reading aloud those wondrous words, i felt a most tangible peace wash over me! it was amazing. it didn't diminish all the worry, but it certainly put it into perspective. it felt like the presence of God was covering us, like we could have reached out and grasped Him. simply amazing.
another memory that came over me was experiencing the birth of our fourth boy. having another child came with a great amount of prayer and seeking, as this would be my fourth c-section. a new doctor to us came highly recommended by a dear friend, so we continued our search for guidance in this decision. not only did he have a wonderful reputation, but he was a believer, which was a huge comfort to us! he gave us a green light on having another baby, so once we were pregnant he was our OB.
i loved being pregnant! all four of my pregnancies were great experiences, and honestly, when they were over i had a bit of sadness. granted, holding that tiny precious pink person surpasses even the best pregnancy!:) so this last pregnancy was pretty much a breeze. i had morning sickness around the clock for the first 15 weeks, but other than that i had not one complication. we had much for which to be thankful! as with my other c-sections, my anxiety did build a little more each day by the last month. any surgery has it's own set of risks, and this was no different. the fact that it was my fourth was kind of a big deal, so we bathed our days and nights in prayer. we began praying each day about the delivery date when we first found out we were pregnant. we prayed for peace, a smooth surgery, we prayed for the nurses, for our doctor, for the spinal i would recieve. you name it, we prayed for it! in the past i have prayed that we "trust God with all that we have" and so this was a great opportunity to put that into practice. my precious husband was very nervous, but he trusted the Lord as well! our doctor put us at ease, as he discussed surgery plans and referred to his trust in the Lord for this experience. it was refreshing!
our doctor came to see me just minutes before they wheeled me down to the operating room. he took my hand and calmed my nervousness and told me he'd been in prayer just a little before that and that he was trusting that all would go well. then, my husband and i parted ways, soon to meet up in the operating room. as i was getting my spinal my nervousness mounted and i was trying to stay focused on the Lord, all the while praying quietly in my spirit. as soon as the spinal was successfully administered and they layed me down, this wonderful, sweet peace washed over me. tangible peace. my husband came in, decked out in his scrubs, and mask. my doctor came in, cheery and in high spirits. more tangible peace. God's presence was so fantastic, it couldn't have been mistaken for anything else! all my fears and anxiety were wiped away as i laid on that operating table awaiting the sound of my precious baby's cry.
these two experiences are not my only times of experiencing God's tangible presence. in fact, as i write this there are so many other memories that come to mind. moments i pray never fade from my mind, as they are sweet reminders of how God has seen me through difficult situations. times i needed to trust in Him in order to grow, and be a mirror image of Him to those around me.
i'm ready for more tangible God moments!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
the music in me
music has been a constant in my life. i sing everywhere...while cooking, grocery shopping (yes, i am that shopper), cleaning. i sing to my four boys as we are doing things together. for me, music is a must. it is an outlet, a stress reliever, an expression.
in the years of my love for music my interests and musical addictions have a far reaching range. i started out in elementary school loving amy grant and thus collected many of her tapes (haha--how far we've come since cassette tapes!). i blared her in my room on my stereo and blasted her tunes on my headphones. my musical interests evolved over the years, some of which i am not particularly proud of, but nonetheless it is what it is. during middle and highschool and college i went through different phases...all eighties pop, whitney houston, bon jovie, michael jackson, stryper, michael w. smith, classical, twila paris, a brief rap phase, back to michael jackson, techno, a big country phase, bebe and cece winans, babbie mason, musical tunes, steve curtis chapman, and the list could go on and on.
for the last few years i have fallen in love with how worship music has evolved and the different bands and artists that have surfaced. it has been a powerful tool that i've taken advantage of in my walk with Christ. in my kitchen while cooking and baking i've been listening to a cd entitled "hymns ancient and modern" (put out by passion). i am not typically drawn to hymns, but this cd has a twist in which each artist featured puts their own spin on an old hymn to make it a bit more modern.
the song i've been stuck on and mulling over in my mind is "father let me dedicate". the lyrics are as follows:
Father let me dedicate all this life to Thee
In whatever worldly state Thou would have me be
Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare i claim
This alone shall be my prayer, glorify Thy Name
Can a child presume to choose where or how to live?
Can a Father's love refuse all the best to give?
Let my glad heart, while it sings, Thee in all proclaim
And, whate'er the future brings, glorify Thy Name
Be glorified in me, be glorified
Be glorified in me, be glorified
matt redman was the featured artist for this song and he added the last two lines which tie the song together beautifully.
i found myself singing this over and over for multiple days and began to ask myself what exactly it means for me. what does it mean for God to be glorified? how does that look? what picture does it paint? the answer i came to is not an easy one to accept sometimes.
just as the first verse of the song states, whatever situation i find myself in i ought to glorify the name of Christ. i have to decide that i will give praise and honor to God whether i am on a mountaintop and things are going well, or if i am in the most deep and dark valley being pummeled with discouragement. even though it is uncomfortable and unlovely, i cannot claim independence from the grief the world offers. instead i can bravely enter in the difficult situations with Jesus at my side, ready to weather the storm.
knowing that God is the source of all goodness, joy, faith, provision, healing, etc. makes it possible to have a 'glad heart', as stated in the song. when i believe that all i endure, whether positive or negative, is under God's hand and He is in control i can truly glorify His name.
Lord, i pray that i would glorify Your Name in each thought that crosses my mind, in each word uttered, and in each situation i find myself in. help me be Your reflection. amen.
in the years of my love for music my interests and musical addictions have a far reaching range. i started out in elementary school loving amy grant and thus collected many of her tapes (haha--how far we've come since cassette tapes!). i blared her in my room on my stereo and blasted her tunes on my headphones. my musical interests evolved over the years, some of which i am not particularly proud of, but nonetheless it is what it is. during middle and highschool and college i went through different phases...all eighties pop, whitney houston, bon jovie, michael jackson, stryper, michael w. smith, classical, twila paris, a brief rap phase, back to michael jackson, techno, a big country phase, bebe and cece winans, babbie mason, musical tunes, steve curtis chapman, and the list could go on and on.
for the last few years i have fallen in love with how worship music has evolved and the different bands and artists that have surfaced. it has been a powerful tool that i've taken advantage of in my walk with Christ. in my kitchen while cooking and baking i've been listening to a cd entitled "hymns ancient and modern" (put out by passion). i am not typically drawn to hymns, but this cd has a twist in which each artist featured puts their own spin on an old hymn to make it a bit more modern.
the song i've been stuck on and mulling over in my mind is "father let me dedicate". the lyrics are as follows:
Father let me dedicate all this life to Thee
In whatever worldly state Thou would have me be
Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare i claim
This alone shall be my prayer, glorify Thy Name
Can a child presume to choose where or how to live?
Can a Father's love refuse all the best to give?
Let my glad heart, while it sings, Thee in all proclaim
And, whate'er the future brings, glorify Thy Name
Be glorified in me, be glorified
Be glorified in me, be glorified
matt redman was the featured artist for this song and he added the last two lines which tie the song together beautifully.
i found myself singing this over and over for multiple days and began to ask myself what exactly it means for me. what does it mean for God to be glorified? how does that look? what picture does it paint? the answer i came to is not an easy one to accept sometimes.
just as the first verse of the song states, whatever situation i find myself in i ought to glorify the name of Christ. i have to decide that i will give praise and honor to God whether i am on a mountaintop and things are going well, or if i am in the most deep and dark valley being pummeled with discouragement. even though it is uncomfortable and unlovely, i cannot claim independence from the grief the world offers. instead i can bravely enter in the difficult situations with Jesus at my side, ready to weather the storm.
knowing that God is the source of all goodness, joy, faith, provision, healing, etc. makes it possible to have a 'glad heart', as stated in the song. when i believe that all i endure, whether positive or negative, is under God's hand and He is in control i can truly glorify His name.
Lord, i pray that i would glorify Your Name in each thought that crosses my mind, in each word uttered, and in each situation i find myself in. help me be Your reflection. amen.
Monday, January 16, 2012
new beginnings
cracking open a brand new journal...clean pages just waiting to be filled with life's experiences and moments of growth. completely void of erased words or crossed out thoughts. my personal record of life. a composition in the works.
i have journaled, dating back to my junior high years. i have journals that i poured my feelings into from middle school--heaven help us--those are a bit embarassing to revisit! i have journals from highschool and college that earmark big events in my life, some great and some of pain and searching. i have journaled throughout my almost 12 years of marriage, recording joys i don't wish to forget as well as challenges that needed divine direction.
if you were to read each entry there would be a common theme. even though the junior high journals are littered with which boy i had a crush on, the music i liked, and things i hoped for, there were paragraphs and sentences reaching out to God in my search to know Him better. those were the early years of beginning to understand more about Him and i often used my journal entries to talk to Him. in highschool, for sure i wrote about similair things---boys, school, youth group. i also journaled about trusting God and growing my faith in Him, and my writing was theraputic as i poured out my heart to the Lord. in college, i journaled on and off through different seasons of my life. i wrote through times of painful growth that i felt would kill me, and i rejoiced through recording moments of God's provision and protection. in my years of marriage i journaled about new experiences--day to day life as a married couple, having children and needing wisdom in raising them. you would find entries about wanting to have a fourth baby and how my husband and i prayed about and investigated adoption. there are entries about needing to trust God for His direction, provision, and healing. there are praises to God in His blessings and answers to our prayers.
in similair fashion i want to continue to record my life's events and things i am learning, if only for my kids to read someday. my walk with God is an ongoing journey, ever changing and evolving. with the use of blogging i plan to share my heart hopefully it will be an encouragement to someone, even if my husband and parents are the only ones who read this!:)
if you choose to tune in, welcome!
i have journaled, dating back to my junior high years. i have journals that i poured my feelings into from middle school--heaven help us--those are a bit embarassing to revisit! i have journals from highschool and college that earmark big events in my life, some great and some of pain and searching. i have journaled throughout my almost 12 years of marriage, recording joys i don't wish to forget as well as challenges that needed divine direction.
if you were to read each entry there would be a common theme. even though the junior high journals are littered with which boy i had a crush on, the music i liked, and things i hoped for, there were paragraphs and sentences reaching out to God in my search to know Him better. those were the early years of beginning to understand more about Him and i often used my journal entries to talk to Him. in highschool, for sure i wrote about similair things---boys, school, youth group. i also journaled about trusting God and growing my faith in Him, and my writing was theraputic as i poured out my heart to the Lord. in college, i journaled on and off through different seasons of my life. i wrote through times of painful growth that i felt would kill me, and i rejoiced through recording moments of God's provision and protection. in my years of marriage i journaled about new experiences--day to day life as a married couple, having children and needing wisdom in raising them. you would find entries about wanting to have a fourth baby and how my husband and i prayed about and investigated adoption. there are entries about needing to trust God for His direction, provision, and healing. there are praises to God in His blessings and answers to our prayers.
in similair fashion i want to continue to record my life's events and things i am learning, if only for my kids to read someday. my walk with God is an ongoing journey, ever changing and evolving. with the use of blogging i plan to share my heart hopefully it will be an encouragement to someone, even if my husband and parents are the only ones who read this!:)
if you choose to tune in, welcome!
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